DANGLE the Bulimic, yet fat, Cat!

Dangle the cat is fat and bulimic at the same time.
If you have any suggestions to make
This poor pussy a happy pussy,
Please comment on my myspace blog,
And save Shayne & Clif from puke duty.

No cat deserves such a human illness.

let's hike up to coit tower! who is in?

my home away from home!! I will see you in MARCH 2006!!! EVERYBODY WATCH OUT!

Benrik adventures

WHO knows what the day will bring...well...I had been driving home from my grandparents house with 2 of my sisters, and we got hungry.
A stop at the great McDonalds was what we needed...
as we dreamt of the fat and calories that would run through our vains, I had a brilliant plan...

I almost couldn't contain my excitement..and nervously gave my sisters strange looks...which they became annoyed of when I refused to tell them what they meant! eheheh they would soon know.

We drove up to the little talking box, you know, the one that asks you what you would like to order...
.and go ahead when you are ready and so on.

WELL!! I forgot to roll down my window, and until i realized my sisters were now giving ME the STRAGE looks, and then I stopped ordering to roll it down.
nerves..i tell ya.
OK, so then I order..
1 strawberry sunday(bethany)
1 med. diete coke (julia)
1 ketchup sunday (me)

Excuse me..said the box...did you say ketchup sunday? (he sounded a little upset..but this is just what i wanted...)

I then explained that I was a couple of months pregnant and my cravings were starting EARLY! heheh...
OF COURSE I AM NOT PREGNANT!! but he wouldnt have to know that. uh ... I don't think we make those? uh...hold on mam ...he said
.oh, but you know that ketchup you use to put in those little cups for your fries? well, can you just put a big squirt of that ontop? ...... i wined into the little talking box...????uhh....just hold on lady, he said
(just about now my sisters are looking at me and asking me WHY I am saying such CRAZY things..???? WHY??? are you actualy pregnant?? are you seriously going to eat that?? STOP, your scarying me....)
can you pull up to the window? he asked
I pull forward..
.this nice looking black guy stares at me concerned and im sure a little scared for me to eat that sunday.
.hehe
We can't make that sunday for you miss....he stuttered....uh...

but im craving it so bad...can't you just do it for me? i said kinda pushy like and then batted my eyes....like that would help!
he looked like he didn't have any clue what to do...so i said..i guess you could just give me a plain sunday and a bunch of ketchup pacets ..
.but that is going to be messy.
ok, fine..just hold on...he brought me a sunday with the ketchup already inside..and i smiled HUGE!! OH THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH , you are AMAZING.
and then handed the guy a $10 dollar bill!
heheheand drove off....as i did so i told julia and bethany to not worry about it...it was all benriks fault...and that i had to do it or i would have already been a faliure at this journal, and my life would not change.hehe

so i have lied...and made a scene, and once again my family doesn't understand my logic..but that is the beauty of benrik

my staf

bulky
soft
helpful
walk
old
knots

It is called changing

Since the last time i wrote a blog here, I have changed emencly...for the better i think. But the point is i have changed. I am much more self confident...and outgoing...myself...and becoming who i want to be. I have also found many people i like to consider soul mates. They make my day something to look forward to, and no matter what goes wrong, one of them can always cheer me up agian.

warren doones sunset, summer 2005

2005


2006 ..changing happens every day...mostly on the inside..and that affects the outside

To be a writter..........

I know i could do it.
i love to write, to research, of course its not easy... but im going to give it a go sometime in my life
before i die one of my books will be well known
i will have traveled the world
my art will be a way of guidance and transportation
and my purpose will be everchanging

grandma, memory, europe

My family has a history of alzhimers. My Grandma, Great Grandma, Uncle, and others before them have all had it. It is one thing to be told you are going to have an illness when you get older and it is another when you see what it is like. My grandmother resently started showing signs of alzhimers. It is really sad. CUTE, but sad. Normally people get annoyed when they cant remember things fast enough, or remember a persons name. BUT, it is much more difficult on the person with alzhimers. Gram feels so horrible when she cant remember something, ashamed even. She feels like an inconvenience, going to an from the pool on tuesdays and thursdays is even scary because she forgets where she was going, or she might stop to get gas and then come home before going to the pool! My mom is handling it pretty well right now, but what about when Gram cant remember who we are... i hope it doesnt get that bad. I hate thinking about the day my mom gets the illness and forgets me. Gram and Grandpa went to Europe in April. It was exciting to look at the pictures... but grandma had a hard time with showing them to us without grandpa, she couldnt remember where these places were .. or even that she had been there. The things she did remember though, she embraced and made sure to tell us at least 2 times. I Love her so.

Temper, the ugly side of me

What gives people the kind of temper that ends up making scenes in the local blockbuster? I am learning that it has to do with illness... I have a history of hypothyroidism. My body is unbalanced, everything goes slower than its supposed to, including my metabolism (that really makes me upset). I eat right and exercise, yet there seems to be no hope for me. But that's not what I want to talk about. I am beginning to get upset over the simplest things, like not being able to rent a movie at blockbuster because my mom forgot to put my name on her account. I could have let it go no problem. I used to let stuff like that slide all the time, but lately my syptoms have been getting worse. Eva, the girl that rarely talked in HS... Mostly because she just loved to observe everything and everyone around. The fact is, I haven't always had moments of rage. I never understood how someone could make a public scene... It just seemed so pointless and horrible. I am beginning to realize its not always that they want to hurt anyone's feelings, it may be because of a chemical imbalance. I know for me it is. I really didn't feel good about myself after I made a scene in public. I felt terrible for the people around me and completely embarrassed for myself.

Upper class

I am not sure i want to believe what i am being told in sociology class. I have been told basically that the upper class makes obsticles for the middle and lower class people to overcome.. or at least try to overcome so they dont make it up to Upper Class. Supposedly the whole rags to riches thing is not a reality. That makes me think about This is really disturbing to me. Everything adds up, but to think that people are setting up the world and acctually deneying my family any hope of wealth is disgusting. I mean, i am ok with being a lower class country girl. I enjoy it. Its relaxed and gives you something to live for. I mean our family has to work for living. If we were wealthy i suppose i would take more of life for granted. Anyways it just bothers me that people would try and hold me back.

Today in sociology i learned that a child is more likely to earn the same income as thier parents. Not often does the child earn more than thier parents said my professor. Just hearing that makes me want to prove to society that i can. I really dont need to earn a lot of money to be happy, but i have this huge urge to prove society wrong!

sitting back

In soc class ive learned a lot about people just by sitting back and watching how people interact with eachother. There are two students in this class one a male, looks japanese, and he is very knowlegable but speeks out of turn, and doesnt seem to have any sence of people skills. During class he will try to relate issues to the teachers lecture, but they dont really. It seems to annoy the teacher a little bit. Here is what i am talking about. I sit in the third seet of the second row, and around me are about five 18 or 19 year olds and two 45 year olds. The first couple of weeks were just fine... nobody really knew eachother so they didnt talk that much. But after a while these girls got antsy. They needed a common ground to talk to eachother and make the silence go away. I think it was the 45 year olds that felt most uncomfortable because they were out of place umongst all the younger adults. So whenever this guy would say something, anything, even if it was correct and useful to our lecture, they would speek under thier breath, "shut up". They would only say it loud enough for the students around them to hear. Still for some reason i was bothered by this. How could middle aged women be so immature???? The girls around me turned to them and smiled to show they understood, and from that moment it became ok for them to tease this poor man. Another thing they do more than any student ive ever met, is complain about the homework they are getting. I realize they probably havent been to school in a while and there are new ideas and concepts these days, but we all have to do this stuff. They make it sound like the end of the world just so they have something to talk about. I learned that even though a person may be 45 or older doesnt make them any more mature than a 20 year old when put in certain situations.

Basketball vs. cross country/track

My dad always had a dream of being a basketball star. Unfortunately he broke his foot, went to icc, married my mom, lost his job at the family bakery because he married my mom, got out of shape, and started having what would be 7 children. I am the oldest, therefore i get to be the trial and error child. From my gradeschool years to highschool, my dad pushed me to play basketball. I played center. I dont remember whether i liked it to much as a child. I just remember HATING it as a teen. I didnt hate the game, just the pressure my dad put on me. I told him so many times i want to quite, im no good, i dont like it anymore... he answered you cant quite, you are good, and its a fun game! The fact that he was telling me i had to play made the situation worse. Now i was slowing down, maybe on purpose, i was no longer a starter, i got to be the benchwarmer, the cheering team! This was acctually nice, i had minimized my tallent so my dad wouldnt be furious when i quite. By that time he had 6 other children to hope will become basketball stars. I don't like being told what to do, and before i realized that, i would sneak around and not speak my mind. But now that i know i make sure everyone else knows what i want or dont want.

Competition

This journal has really a lot to do with what I am learning about myself this year. It can be helpful, but sometimes depressing. I was told I have a problem...What is it?? Competing. Some people really really don't like to compete... Its not their way. For me, competing is where I show my best side. Whenever I try out for a choir, musical, art show, anything, I naturally do my best and have not failed at a tryout yet! That is great for me, but annoying to others. Like I mentioned in the journal before, I have been trying to lose weight again with LA weight loss (they are fantastic by the way!). Well, I was having difficulty keeping myself from eating extra fruits and fats... So the councilor suggested competing with my sister bethany (her and I are doing this weight thing together). So we would see who lost the most weight at the end of the week and that person would get a favor from the loser! It was a great idea, for me. I ate perfect that entire week and lost 2.5 pounds! How wonderful, bethany now owed me a favor, and I had lost! Everything I went to the fridge I told myself, bethany is going to lose more than you if you eat anything extra... So I didn't and it was easy that way. Then bethany gained and got upset. I comforted her, but Julia came in and they both started telling me how I was a bad person because I like to compete. So we stopped competing and I didn't lose... I couldn't motivate myself the same. It's the same with art. I enjoy it so much more when I am competing with someone at the same level as me! I know im not bad for competing but it stinks that apparently I hurt people when I do it.

number 1 of learning journal

This whole semester has kind of been a test of my dedication, to prove that I can and will be a good student for an entire semester. Then a week of procrastination happened and I ended up back with my old habbits... I was finishing 3 papers and studying for 2 tests in 2 days... well that was impossible, so i had to schedule when would be best for me to turn in each paper to get the best possible late grade. I hated doing it... I felt like all that I had worked for was now lost and i could never gain it back, even if i did go back to being the student who turns in everything complete and on time. It always happens at the end of the semester. It works the same way with my LA weight loss program. I got down to my goal weight and looked great, and then i went to CA and got really depressed and gained the 35 pounds i had lost... it was like i worked for 8 months to get it off, and in 1 and 1/2 months put it all back on... it was all for nothing! I am learning that if i want to keep myself motivated i have to tell myself; if you give up for one second, it is like you never tried, and i do try, so i cant give up.

self concept...

I have been working really hard on my self concept speech but i cant seem to organize it to be less than 7 minutes... there is just so much i want to say.
but while i was thinking about my strengths in art... i wondered WHY do i love drawing female nudes when i am so bored with male nudes....dont get me wrong, i am totally into guys, but what i realize is that...
i am sooooooooooooo not happy with the way my body is
but when i draw female nudes i love it because they are not perfect, like me they have flaws , and they arnt ugly flaws... they are beautiful
sounds wierd but i understand it... and while i draw their imperfections i feel content about my own.
so , there you go

brake ups

my brother broke up with kalee today......i feel so bad for her, when he had a problem with her he didnt tell her and then he just kept holding a grudge... she thought the relationship was growing but he thought he was acting, being insincere.... i think he was being a scared little boy hoping it would all go away, he should have told her how he felt about things she did weeks ago so they could fix them! grrrr

my brother should know better...with 6 sisters! take my advise brenton! goooddness!

no time

There is no time for playing around for me this semester, not even enough time to get a job. I have had a huge paper due almost every other class for the past 2 1/2 weeks!!! its so exhausting! Julia and i go to icc to work on our papers because its so much quieter and there are more computers avaliable! It's so fun having my sister in class, we both push eachother to do our best.............RING RING!!! a phone just rang! crazy, in a computer lab!..................so anyways i hope it holds up untill the last day of school because i would really like to bring my GPA up! What do i want to do for the rest of my life???

that is the question that makes me get nervous about the fact that i am going to college to get a degree in something i may not need for the rest of my life... i mean i want to do so many different things... some people think it would be nice just to do one job for the rest of thier lives and have kids and just work to live, but i want to live to live, i want to work where ever i feel like working... it sounds impossible and unreasonable to many people but i guess i have a fear of commitment... i dont want a job to tie me down that i will soon be bored with... i want to travel with a companion/friend, and LIVE.... every day with new adventures!

I got a new sweat shirt yesterday! white, with ICC in purple lettering! its pretty!
i never got one from the academy of art... they dont sell them... all i have is a blue sweat shirt that says san francisco

so tired... 4 hours of sleep, im so not used to that!

brenton getting ready for his girlfriend kaylie?? i never spell her name right, lol, later they are freezing while i take a few pictures before the HS dance, visa versa?? not sure, but kaylies dress is AMAZING! oh,and also mom sprayed the corsage with glitter, and the daisys started to DIE! not cool, so she goes out to get more flowers... they come and go and she doesnt get to see them... dances are so fun! oh but wait they decide they have enough time and come back after mom has been frustrated with me for letting them go without the flowers! haha