To be a writter..........

I know i could do it.
i love to write, to research, of course its not easy... but im going to give it a go sometime in my life
before i die one of my books will be well known
i will have traveled the world
my art will be a way of guidance and transportation
and my purpose will be everchanging

grandma, memory, europe

My family has a history of alzhimers. My Grandma, Great Grandma, Uncle, and others before them have all had it. It is one thing to be told you are going to have an illness when you get older and it is another when you see what it is like. My grandmother resently started showing signs of alzhimers. It is really sad. CUTE, but sad. Normally people get annoyed when they cant remember things fast enough, or remember a persons name. BUT, it is much more difficult on the person with alzhimers. Gram feels so horrible when she cant remember something, ashamed even. She feels like an inconvenience, going to an from the pool on tuesdays and thursdays is even scary because she forgets where she was going, or she might stop to get gas and then come home before going to the pool! My mom is handling it pretty well right now, but what about when Gram cant remember who we are... i hope it doesnt get that bad. I hate thinking about the day my mom gets the illness and forgets me. Gram and Grandpa went to Europe in April. It was exciting to look at the pictures... but grandma had a hard time with showing them to us without grandpa, she couldnt remember where these places were .. or even that she had been there. The things she did remember though, she embraced and made sure to tell us at least 2 times. I Love her so.

Temper, the ugly side of me

What gives people the kind of temper that ends up making scenes in the local blockbuster? I am learning that it has to do with illness... I have a history of hypothyroidism. My body is unbalanced, everything goes slower than its supposed to, including my metabolism (that really makes me upset). I eat right and exercise, yet there seems to be no hope for me. But that's not what I want to talk about. I am beginning to get upset over the simplest things, like not being able to rent a movie at blockbuster because my mom forgot to put my name on her account. I could have let it go no problem. I used to let stuff like that slide all the time, but lately my syptoms have been getting worse. Eva, the girl that rarely talked in HS... Mostly because she just loved to observe everything and everyone around. The fact is, I haven't always had moments of rage. I never understood how someone could make a public scene... It just seemed so pointless and horrible. I am beginning to realize its not always that they want to hurt anyone's feelings, it may be because of a chemical imbalance. I know for me it is. I really didn't feel good about myself after I made a scene in public. I felt terrible for the people around me and completely embarrassed for myself.

Upper class

I am not sure i want to believe what i am being told in sociology class. I have been told basically that the upper class makes obsticles for the middle and lower class people to overcome.. or at least try to overcome so they dont make it up to Upper Class. Supposedly the whole rags to riches thing is not a reality. That makes me think about This is really disturbing to me. Everything adds up, but to think that people are setting up the world and acctually deneying my family any hope of wealth is disgusting. I mean, i am ok with being a lower class country girl. I enjoy it. Its relaxed and gives you something to live for. I mean our family has to work for living. If we were wealthy i suppose i would take more of life for granted. Anyways it just bothers me that people would try and hold me back.

Today in sociology i learned that a child is more likely to earn the same income as thier parents. Not often does the child earn more than thier parents said my professor. Just hearing that makes me want to prove to society that i can. I really dont need to earn a lot of money to be happy, but i have this huge urge to prove society wrong!

sitting back

In soc class ive learned a lot about people just by sitting back and watching how people interact with eachother. There are two students in this class one a male, looks japanese, and he is very knowlegable but speeks out of turn, and doesnt seem to have any sence of people skills. During class he will try to relate issues to the teachers lecture, but they dont really. It seems to annoy the teacher a little bit. Here is what i am talking about. I sit in the third seet of the second row, and around me are about five 18 or 19 year olds and two 45 year olds. The first couple of weeks were just fine... nobody really knew eachother so they didnt talk that much. But after a while these girls got antsy. They needed a common ground to talk to eachother and make the silence go away. I think it was the 45 year olds that felt most uncomfortable because they were out of place umongst all the younger adults. So whenever this guy would say something, anything, even if it was correct and useful to our lecture, they would speek under thier breath, "shut up". They would only say it loud enough for the students around them to hear. Still for some reason i was bothered by this. How could middle aged women be so immature???? The girls around me turned to them and smiled to show they understood, and from that moment it became ok for them to tease this poor man. Another thing they do more than any student ive ever met, is complain about the homework they are getting. I realize they probably havent been to school in a while and there are new ideas and concepts these days, but we all have to do this stuff. They make it sound like the end of the world just so they have something to talk about. I learned that even though a person may be 45 or older doesnt make them any more mature than a 20 year old when put in certain situations.

Basketball vs. cross country/track

My dad always had a dream of being a basketball star. Unfortunately he broke his foot, went to icc, married my mom, lost his job at the family bakery because he married my mom, got out of shape, and started having what would be 7 children. I am the oldest, therefore i get to be the trial and error child. From my gradeschool years to highschool, my dad pushed me to play basketball. I played center. I dont remember whether i liked it to much as a child. I just remember HATING it as a teen. I didnt hate the game, just the pressure my dad put on me. I told him so many times i want to quite, im no good, i dont like it anymore... he answered you cant quite, you are good, and its a fun game! The fact that he was telling me i had to play made the situation worse. Now i was slowing down, maybe on purpose, i was no longer a starter, i got to be the benchwarmer, the cheering team! This was acctually nice, i had minimized my tallent so my dad wouldnt be furious when i quite. By that time he had 6 other children to hope will become basketball stars. I don't like being told what to do, and before i realized that, i would sneak around and not speak my mind. But now that i know i make sure everyone else knows what i want or dont want.

Competition

This journal has really a lot to do with what I am learning about myself this year. It can be helpful, but sometimes depressing. I was told I have a problem...What is it?? Competing. Some people really really don't like to compete... Its not their way. For me, competing is where I show my best side. Whenever I try out for a choir, musical, art show, anything, I naturally do my best and have not failed at a tryout yet! That is great for me, but annoying to others. Like I mentioned in the journal before, I have been trying to lose weight again with LA weight loss (they are fantastic by the way!). Well, I was having difficulty keeping myself from eating extra fruits and fats... So the councilor suggested competing with my sister bethany (her and I are doing this weight thing together). So we would see who lost the most weight at the end of the week and that person would get a favor from the loser! It was a great idea, for me. I ate perfect that entire week and lost 2.5 pounds! How wonderful, bethany now owed me a favor, and I had lost! Everything I went to the fridge I told myself, bethany is going to lose more than you if you eat anything extra... So I didn't and it was easy that way. Then bethany gained and got upset. I comforted her, but Julia came in and they both started telling me how I was a bad person because I like to compete. So we stopped competing and I didn't lose... I couldn't motivate myself the same. It's the same with art. I enjoy it so much more when I am competing with someone at the same level as me! I know im not bad for competing but it stinks that apparently I hurt people when I do it.

number 1 of learning journal

This whole semester has kind of been a test of my dedication, to prove that I can and will be a good student for an entire semester. Then a week of procrastination happened and I ended up back with my old habbits... I was finishing 3 papers and studying for 2 tests in 2 days... well that was impossible, so i had to schedule when would be best for me to turn in each paper to get the best possible late grade. I hated doing it... I felt like all that I had worked for was now lost and i could never gain it back, even if i did go back to being the student who turns in everything complete and on time. It always happens at the end of the semester. It works the same way with my LA weight loss program. I got down to my goal weight and looked great, and then i went to CA and got really depressed and gained the 35 pounds i had lost... it was like i worked for 8 months to get it off, and in 1 and 1/2 months put it all back on... it was all for nothing! I am learning that if i want to keep myself motivated i have to tell myself; if you give up for one second, it is like you never tried, and i do try, so i cant give up.