warren doones sunset, summer 2005

2005


2006 ..changing happens every day...mostly on the inside..and that affects the outside

To be a writter..........

I know i could do it.
i love to write, to research, of course its not easy... but im going to give it a go sometime in my life
before i die one of my books will be well known
i will have traveled the world
my art will be a way of guidance and transportation
and my purpose will be everchanging

grandma, memory, europe

My family has a history of alzhimers. My Grandma, Great Grandma, Uncle, and others before them have all had it. It is one thing to be told you are going to have an illness when you get older and it is another when you see what it is like. My grandmother resently started showing signs of alzhimers. It is really sad. CUTE, but sad. Normally people get annoyed when they cant remember things fast enough, or remember a persons name. BUT, it is much more difficult on the person with alzhimers. Gram feels so horrible when she cant remember something, ashamed even. She feels like an inconvenience, going to an from the pool on tuesdays and thursdays is even scary because she forgets where she was going, or she might stop to get gas and then come home before going to the pool! My mom is handling it pretty well right now, but what about when Gram cant remember who we are... i hope it doesnt get that bad. I hate thinking about the day my mom gets the illness and forgets me. Gram and Grandpa went to Europe in April. It was exciting to look at the pictures... but grandma had a hard time with showing them to us without grandpa, she couldnt remember where these places were .. or even that she had been there. The things she did remember though, she embraced and made sure to tell us at least 2 times. I Love her so.

Temper, the ugly side of me

What gives people the kind of temper that ends up making scenes in the local blockbuster? I am learning that it has to do with illness... I have a history of hypothyroidism. My body is unbalanced, everything goes slower than its supposed to, including my metabolism (that really makes me upset). I eat right and exercise, yet there seems to be no hope for me. But that's not what I want to talk about. I am beginning to get upset over the simplest things, like not being able to rent a movie at blockbuster because my mom forgot to put my name on her account. I could have let it go no problem. I used to let stuff like that slide all the time, but lately my syptoms have been getting worse. Eva, the girl that rarely talked in HS... Mostly because she just loved to observe everything and everyone around. The fact is, I haven't always had moments of rage. I never understood how someone could make a public scene... It just seemed so pointless and horrible. I am beginning to realize its not always that they want to hurt anyone's feelings, it may be because of a chemical imbalance. I know for me it is. I really didn't feel good about myself after I made a scene in public. I felt terrible for the people around me and completely embarrassed for myself.

Upper class

I am not sure i want to believe what i am being told in sociology class. I have been told basically that the upper class makes obsticles for the middle and lower class people to overcome.. or at least try to overcome so they dont make it up to Upper Class. Supposedly the whole rags to riches thing is not a reality. That makes me think about This is really disturbing to me. Everything adds up, but to think that people are setting up the world and acctually deneying my family any hope of wealth is disgusting. I mean, i am ok with being a lower class country girl. I enjoy it. Its relaxed and gives you something to live for. I mean our family has to work for living. If we were wealthy i suppose i would take more of life for granted. Anyways it just bothers me that people would try and hold me back.

Today in sociology i learned that a child is more likely to earn the same income as thier parents. Not often does the child earn more than thier parents said my professor. Just hearing that makes me want to prove to society that i can. I really dont need to earn a lot of money to be happy, but i have this huge urge to prove society wrong!

sitting back

In soc class ive learned a lot about people just by sitting back and watching how people interact with eachother. There are two students in this class one a male, looks japanese, and he is very knowlegable but speeks out of turn, and doesnt seem to have any sence of people skills. During class he will try to relate issues to the teachers lecture, but they dont really. It seems to annoy the teacher a little bit. Here is what i am talking about. I sit in the third seet of the second row, and around me are about five 18 or 19 year olds and two 45 year olds. The first couple of weeks were just fine... nobody really knew eachother so they didnt talk that much. But after a while these girls got antsy. They needed a common ground to talk to eachother and make the silence go away. I think it was the 45 year olds that felt most uncomfortable because they were out of place umongst all the younger adults. So whenever this guy would say something, anything, even if it was correct and useful to our lecture, they would speek under thier breath, "shut up". They would only say it loud enough for the students around them to hear. Still for some reason i was bothered by this. How could middle aged women be so immature???? The girls around me turned to them and smiled to show they understood, and from that moment it became ok for them to tease this poor man. Another thing they do more than any student ive ever met, is complain about the homework they are getting. I realize they probably havent been to school in a while and there are new ideas and concepts these days, but we all have to do this stuff. They make it sound like the end of the world just so they have something to talk about. I learned that even though a person may be 45 or older doesnt make them any more mature than a 20 year old when put in certain situations.

Basketball vs. cross country/track

My dad always had a dream of being a basketball star. Unfortunately he broke his foot, went to icc, married my mom, lost his job at the family bakery because he married my mom, got out of shape, and started having what would be 7 children. I am the oldest, therefore i get to be the trial and error child. From my gradeschool years to highschool, my dad pushed me to play basketball. I played center. I dont remember whether i liked it to much as a child. I just remember HATING it as a teen. I didnt hate the game, just the pressure my dad put on me. I told him so many times i want to quite, im no good, i dont like it anymore... he answered you cant quite, you are good, and its a fun game! The fact that he was telling me i had to play made the situation worse. Now i was slowing down, maybe on purpose, i was no longer a starter, i got to be the benchwarmer, the cheering team! This was acctually nice, i had minimized my tallent so my dad wouldnt be furious when i quite. By that time he had 6 other children to hope will become basketball stars. I don't like being told what to do, and before i realized that, i would sneak around and not speak my mind. But now that i know i make sure everyone else knows what i want or dont want.

Competition

This journal has really a lot to do with what I am learning about myself this year. It can be helpful, but sometimes depressing. I was told I have a problem...What is it?? Competing. Some people really really don't like to compete... Its not their way. For me, competing is where I show my best side. Whenever I try out for a choir, musical, art show, anything, I naturally do my best and have not failed at a tryout yet! That is great for me, but annoying to others. Like I mentioned in the journal before, I have been trying to lose weight again with LA weight loss (they are fantastic by the way!). Well, I was having difficulty keeping myself from eating extra fruits and fats... So the councilor suggested competing with my sister bethany (her and I are doing this weight thing together). So we would see who lost the most weight at the end of the week and that person would get a favor from the loser! It was a great idea, for me. I ate perfect that entire week and lost 2.5 pounds! How wonderful, bethany now owed me a favor, and I had lost! Everything I went to the fridge I told myself, bethany is going to lose more than you if you eat anything extra... So I didn't and it was easy that way. Then bethany gained and got upset. I comforted her, but Julia came in and they both started telling me how I was a bad person because I like to compete. So we stopped competing and I didn't lose... I couldn't motivate myself the same. It's the same with art. I enjoy it so much more when I am competing with someone at the same level as me! I know im not bad for competing but it stinks that apparently I hurt people when I do it.

number 1 of learning journal

This whole semester has kind of been a test of my dedication, to prove that I can and will be a good student for an entire semester. Then a week of procrastination happened and I ended up back with my old habbits... I was finishing 3 papers and studying for 2 tests in 2 days... well that was impossible, so i had to schedule when would be best for me to turn in each paper to get the best possible late grade. I hated doing it... I felt like all that I had worked for was now lost and i could never gain it back, even if i did go back to being the student who turns in everything complete and on time. It always happens at the end of the semester. It works the same way with my LA weight loss program. I got down to my goal weight and looked great, and then i went to CA and got really depressed and gained the 35 pounds i had lost... it was like i worked for 8 months to get it off, and in 1 and 1/2 months put it all back on... it was all for nothing! I am learning that if i want to keep myself motivated i have to tell myself; if you give up for one second, it is like you never tried, and i do try, so i cant give up.

self concept...

I have been working really hard on my self concept speech but i cant seem to organize it to be less than 7 minutes... there is just so much i want to say.
but while i was thinking about my strengths in art... i wondered WHY do i love drawing female nudes when i am so bored with male nudes....dont get me wrong, i am totally into guys, but what i realize is that...
i am sooooooooooooo not happy with the way my body is
but when i draw female nudes i love it because they are not perfect, like me they have flaws , and they arnt ugly flaws... they are beautiful
sounds wierd but i understand it... and while i draw their imperfections i feel content about my own.
so , there you go

brake ups

my brother broke up with kalee today......i feel so bad for her, when he had a problem with her he didnt tell her and then he just kept holding a grudge... she thought the relationship was growing but he thought he was acting, being insincere.... i think he was being a scared little boy hoping it would all go away, he should have told her how he felt about things she did weeks ago so they could fix them! grrrr

my brother should know better...with 6 sisters! take my advise brenton! goooddness!

no time

There is no time for playing around for me this semester, not even enough time to get a job. I have had a huge paper due almost every other class for the past 2 1/2 weeks!!! its so exhausting! Julia and i go to icc to work on our papers because its so much quieter and there are more computers avaliable! It's so fun having my sister in class, we both push eachother to do our best.............RING RING!!! a phone just rang! crazy, in a computer lab!..................so anyways i hope it holds up untill the last day of school because i would really like to bring my GPA up! What do i want to do for the rest of my life???

that is the question that makes me get nervous about the fact that i am going to college to get a degree in something i may not need for the rest of my life... i mean i want to do so many different things... some people think it would be nice just to do one job for the rest of thier lives and have kids and just work to live, but i want to live to live, i want to work where ever i feel like working... it sounds impossible and unreasonable to many people but i guess i have a fear of commitment... i dont want a job to tie me down that i will soon be bored with... i want to travel with a companion/friend, and LIVE.... every day with new adventures!

I got a new sweat shirt yesterday! white, with ICC in purple lettering! its pretty!
i never got one from the academy of art... they dont sell them... all i have is a blue sweat shirt that says san francisco

so tired... 4 hours of sleep, im so not used to that!

brenton getting ready for his girlfriend kaylie?? i never spell her name right, lol, later they are freezing while i take a few pictures before the HS dance, visa versa?? not sure, but kaylies dress is AMAZING! oh,and also mom sprayed the corsage with glitter, and the daisys started to DIE! not cool, so she goes out to get more flowers... they come and go and she doesnt get to see them... dances are so fun! oh but wait they decide they have enough time and come back after mom has been frustrated with me for letting them go without the flowers! haha

lol, brenton i was taking a full body pic, you didnt have to lean! ahha, and that would be the smile chandler used for his wedding photos!!?? i love you bro!

hah cute

me with a perm!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Stephanie, would you say you were high on life???!!! heheheheheh, this kid rocks!

my future

i want a cottage, with lots of flowers, and im going to design modern 1800s cloths to wear! and jewlery, and im going to be thin again, and im going to live off the land... try to eat from my own garden! heheheheh
no i havent gone crazy, i just want to have a cute, elegant, and ruff life.... sound wierd? well its a fantasy, like in the movie ever after, i wouldnt mind doing all the work "cinderella" has to do, but she also gets to dress up sometimes. SO my lifestyle would be like hers! hah
oh geez
and then inside this midevil cottage with a castle wall around the property, i would have a studio!! and then i would have a room adjoining that would be my little shop where i will sell candles and soaps and herbs and veggies and apples and art! and maybe some litte crafts!
what a dream!

ok 2nd dream
work on a cruise ship! haha, always on vacation!

3rd dream
every summer join some form of volunteer peace corps or quest group
i so want to help, and travel!

4rth
finish school, get a nice job, find a funny man, still travel every summer, and make babies! ......im getting old! 21 already... my mom had kids at 22, i cant imagine having any kids before i am 26 at least!.... that gives me 7+ years to have fun! and im stuck in school! lol, but i will not give up on my schooling, that is something both my parents did and they are having a hell of a time without degrees.
the thing i hate about degrees is that i feel that if i pick one i will get stuck in that area, and if i dont persue that after graduation that i will have spent all that money and time for something that doesnt really matter anymore! its scary to me

ok thats enough for now
now time for some pictures!!!

speech class

so i am realizing how layed back community college is compaired to the academy of art. So far i have had 4 cancelled classes and a speech that has been moved back about 2 weeks! Lol its almost depressing because i paid for these classes and the more personal days the teacher takes the less sick days i get because the professor is going to want to get more done in one day than ussual! HOW DARE THEY BE SICK! lol
anyhow, i am sick right now, my fam. have been sick for about a week and a half. Coughing and spitting........BLAGH! I told myself i wasnt going to get it.... well, i missed one day of drinking 64 oz. of water, which seemed to be enough to keep the illness from settling in my system but that one day ruined it, and now i am miserable. My voice went down like 2 octaves during my english 111 class. But i am going to get well.... I MUST!

i am excited for valentines day!! i have so many nice decorations to put up in the kitchen! hearts everywhere!!! Heart boxes with little things in it for everyone in the fam. and hearts dangling from the chanelier, and hears stuck to the walls, and hear confetti on the table!! AND a red flowering pot over flowing with FAKE roses! heheh
i cant help it! i love to decorate for the hollidays!
ok, brakes almost over

our second circle opening took place here behind the lamp... at about 1am... on a new moon! COLD but very funny! hehe

A walk in the woods

I am trying to appriciate the nature around me more lately. Not many people do that these days. I mean yes, a person might notice a beautiful tree, or sunset, or body of water... but only when they get a chance to slow down and take that kind of stuff in. My sisters and i are making time for nature. Today we went on a hike in the woods, we had been there millions of times before but what made it special was that we had a different set of mind. The snow was melting and the stream was slowly flowing. We had decided to take a different path, one that we hadnt traveled before and soon realized why we dont go that way. There were to many houses in the distance, and even though you arnt supposed to hunt in these woods we found a hunters hide out. How depressing
Anyways it was cold, but very calming, and a good work out! Beth, Julia, and I all almost slipped and fell down one of the bigger frozen hills. YIKES! hahahah AND bethany and i both thought we were stepping on ice and ended up steping through a thin sheet of ice. We were in mud water shin deep! YUCK, and again, cold.
lol

pretty bird

color me!

upset

ok i am trying to post pics but HELLO tells me i must first verify my email address.. so i did and then it tells me i recieved an email... but there is one tiny problem... i DIDNT get an email, so i dont know what the next step it! im upset! hmmmm

Keane as a kitten!

ABBIE! she is the youngest of us all... 9yrs old now! she is my twin... she looks almost identical to me at her age, just a bit thinner and tanner! hahah

Holly!! my "baby girl". heheh, she hates to read... so i started reading harry potter with her and now she wont let me allone about the books, so we are currently reading/listening to Harry Potter and the Flight of the Pheonix. I tell you what, those Audio books are a life saver! heheheh i love reading with you hol!

Me, Nat, Beth, and Mom! Beth just got back from color guard!! and i was thin, although it doesnt look like it. oh and in about 20 mins would find out from someone in the bleachers that i had a HUGE piece of gum stuck to the back of my pink jacket! haha, i had tried to spit that gum out of the window on the way over to the school but it didnt fly out of the window apparently and i yeah!

lol here is that girl i adore!! NATALIE! ehehehe, so funny, not to mention BOY CRAZY... 5th oldest child or 3rd younges... however you want to say it

madrigals!!! 2003........ i missed 2004 but i wont miss 2005! hey julia is a madrigal singer (soprano), bethany is a courtsinger (alto), and brenton is a guard?? lol he carried the bores head and flaming pudding around the tables, and got to stamp a staff on the ground! ehehhehe........ such tallent! heh

Bethany!! 3rd oldest... 17, betcha can't guess what she is thinking about in this picture!?

Julia, my sister!!! so pretty!

my champ of a brother

Brenton
This kid never gives up,
he runs under 6 minute miles!!!
He recently got his hair cut, so it
looks like it does in this picture again
hehehhe
oh and he currently has a very nice
gf... KALEE? heh
He joined German dancing to
be closer to her and i guess it
worked! lol
i just hope he learns these german
dances or bachficher is going to
have a fit!
leaderhossen? haha

ok here we go 

Week 2 of school!

So today was my 3rd day of school!! So far I am interested in all my classes except for Eng.... My teacher sucks... She is knew this year and is doing everything by the book. So boring. Well last class she never showed, and then this class we had a sub, he was weird and funny! So maybe the class will get better, but both Julia and I want that teacher to not come back. Sad but true. I am excited about communications.... Weird but true, I mean the teacher is probably 80 and he is so fun and nice. We have a speech due in 2 weeks. yikes! Then humanities.... Foster and Becker are hilarious, I am so excited about these teachers, and its easy, and it brings art back into my life! Finally there is sociology, not so fun, but informative, and easy. EXCEPT I sit behind this middle aged dude... He hardly takes note, and is always interrupting the teacher with facts that don't need to be said. AND today a younger guy started to do the same thing so much that it was like the 2 guys were having a conversation over the lecture from across the room! And that's not all... He insists I let him look at my notes before every class. I let him so far because I am nice, but I am either going to have to tell him politely no, or move seats.

ITS A CHICKEN!  

me giving my eyes a break from the computer screen 

Me, Laura... CAMPING before i left for CA 

pier 29!!! so pretty

GYPSY!! my most beautiful siberian short hair husky!! The best dog ever!

Allyssa and I at ocean beach CA. I am the tall one. Ashley is taking the picture! AND... heheheh my very first 2 piece!

laura!! my favorite cousin, and one of my very closest friends EVER! So pretty!

Christmas party at Grandpa Pfaffs house! These are all the cousins so far... one on the way! 

What a month

Well, i know i am not going to get through the whole month in this one entry, but here is the jist of it!

left CA before christmas... which i really do regret that im not coming back for spring semester, but i just dont feel it was time for me to be at an art school

had christmas with the pfaffs! and then the family! and then the rogers!

so much christmas, so much food, so much love!

yay christmas!

New Years EVE!!! my brother had his friends over, great fun, they are a hoot...silly 16 year olds, playing whos line is it anyways, and pretending to be pro cheerleaders, flying through the air and falling on thier butts! hahhahahahah

Personally, I had been very sad because all last year i was a diet freak and ended up being at the perfect wieght for me, and then going to school changed that and i gained all 32 pounds back, sad. So now i am back on the diet....not fun.... but it will be worth it!

I had also been upset because after being away from home for 4 months I knew it would be different for me to be back... people adjust, get used to people leaving, and i got used to being on my own, so it has been difficult because i no longer have a room of my own, i live in the playroom. I also feel bad about eating thier food, i need a job.

I have started school again at ICC and am taking soc, humanities, english, and communications. Soc. and Hum. are fun, but the other 2 are not! Oh well, it keeps me busy.

I also had an aquaintance with an old friend...eric woodly, actually am really happy to see a friendly face, we had coffee, and shared pics. He is an amazing artist...animation/conceptual game designer! He is going to make it!

Thats it for now...hope i can figure out how to use this picture thingy!